Patricia Raybon's My First White Friend
Gayle Reed

My First White Friend by Patricia Raybon presents a wonderfully crafted, intriguing contrast between the burden of a mistaken sense of the right to resentment and the freedom found in forgiveness. The book is a deeply honest account of Raybon's own personal journey, as an African American, from resentment--even hatred--of "white people as a category" to forgiveness of "individual people" one person at a time. One of the keystones of her new understanding is the commonalties of all individual people: "living, crying, loving, hurting, hoping and sometimes failing." Raybon dares to pursue the "audacious idea...holy lunacy" of forgiveness, and in so doing to turn a "harsh spotlight" on herself, her own worth, and her own fallibility. What results is a shining testimony to the transforming power of forgiveness that resonates in the secret places of the soul.

Raybon invites us to come along as she shines the spotlight on her personal history. We see throughout her story the overriding impact of racism. But Raybon also lets us see with equal clarity the enslavement of resentment and hatred -- even when it is disguised as "justifiable indignation". In response, she explores tentatively at first and then with great conviction the provocative notion of "unconditional, moral love" ..."the kind of love that absolutely requires a change of heart", the kind of love that crosses barriers erected by racism, injustice, and pain. The insights that Raybon shares with us about forgiveness along her journey are keenly articulated. Anyone who has experienced unjust suffering, no matter what the underlying cause, can believe that Raybon's story could be his/hers as well.

Raybon's childhood stories grant us a glimpse of her experience with racial discrimination and its aftermath...the "memory plays" where each offense is relived, again and again. Raybon exposes with rare honesty that implicit agreement of hurting people to indulge in "that deep feeling that sits in the pit of your stomach...the awareness that somebody's hurting you constantly, so you must respond...you might even call that sinking feeling hate." However, her understanding of the "high cost of hate" is clear..."because hate has hurt me good over these long years. It has crippled me and cheated me and mugged me and left me scarred and impotent and dumb." In counterpoint Raybon describes how the "forgiveness...came in on a heavenly wind...so that the dead rise up and the lost are saved from their memory plays." Thus, Raybon guides us to the realization that although the hate is its own punishment, the burden of hate can be relieved by a forgiveness that will free the "oppressed and the oppressor together." This brings freedom to overcome victimhood and become a human being resisting evil with love day by day.

A turning point in Raybon's high school experience, a white girl who offered her unconditional friendship, lays the foundation for her later discovery of reframing "white people" and herself as unconditionally valuable, forgivable individuals. Her search for the healing power of forgiveness is as ruthless as it is complete. Raybon finds she must forgive not only particular white people one person at a time, but also her own family members and herself. Raybon discovers forgiveness as a response to a named injury between named specific individuals. Forgiveness is not condoning or overlooking but rather a courageous decision toward reframing, empathy, and moral love in the face of unjust suffering. Raybon writes with surprising power about the rediscovery of her childhood faith as a wellspring of this courage. Thus, the "high ground of hope and forgiveness" begins to allow her to see that she could become a proactive force for good, not only in her personal life, but also in racial matters as well ... "even arouse the higher nature of a few others, inspiring them to see hope... and to believe in their ability to evoke"... the healing power of forgiveness.

As an adult, Raybon reflects on the history of civil rights issues and movements. In doing so she paints a complex and thoughtful portrait of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi as fallible yet courageous models of both forgiveness and nonviolent protest.

Raybon asks, in effect, the question, "What does one do when injustice against the intrinsic worth of individuals is institutional and ongoing?" The answer is found in the same unconditional, moral love that she rediscovers in the forgiveness process. She describes the nonviolent protests as an act of "composed self-sufficiency... a purposeful pushing away from defeat .... moving toward high ground." This is the same high ground where she discovered in forgiveness the announcement of selfhood or intrinsic worth and the peaceful, courageous rejection of oppression. And all this is done with empathy for those who have perpetrated the injustice. Then one can begin to feel "compassion instead of rage...one need not necessarily wait for anything from the injuring other...one is free to go..."

Critique

Raybon has taken us on a very personal forgiveness journey, but she has done her homework. She tells us that she set out to study everything she could find on forgiveness. As a result the revelatory nature of this book is combined with clear notions about the process of forgiveness. She paints a vivid portrait of the anger and hatred that can result from long-standing injuries and brings us face to face with the cost of harboring and indulging in these emotions. We are reminded of the energy lost in the continual reliving of the offense. Raybon presents a stirring testimony to the desire of the human heart for healing and hope. She then brings us along with her to the healing power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is clearly framed in moral love and the intrinsic worth of all persons. A new found compassion for injuring others is vividly drawn. Finally, Raybon demonstrates in her writing a life that has come to new dignity and purpose.

The only omission here may be a discussion of a distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Are they the same? Are they different? However, we see a hint of this in her thoughtful description of integrity in peaceful protest. Still some questions can be asked: As some injuring others may continue the offense even as we forgive them, what is an appropriate naming of the injury to these individuals? What should the trust parameters be for reconciliation if some of the hurting behavior has not ceased? Are there some instances where one should forgive and not seek reconciliation?

Raybon's greatest contribution may be the incomparable honesty and beauty of her writing. She says the unsayable in such a way as to have said it for us all. She explains that she told stories to attempt to "release forgiveness from the confines of theology and dogma and academia, and also from the tyranny of fear" and to examine it for herself as an ordinary person. In doing so, Raybon has given us a great gift of herself. At the same time her clear understanding of forgiveness as a process is a solid underpinning of this work. My First White Friend has been selected for a Christopher Book Award. The 236 page book is published by Viking Press. The ISBN number is 0-670-85956-7.

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